Monthly Archives: March 2008

phantom pain

went to the dentist. nothing is wrong with me. my tooth is fine. no cavities. well, one small one. on a wisdom tooth, but that doesn’t even count because i’m getting those taken out over the summer. fun stuff.

my sister wasn’t so lucky. she’s getting a tooth extracted. it can’t be saved. either that, or they’re going to file down three teeth and put a bridge. she’s too young. plus seven cavities. her mouth is falling apart, but it’s similar to the concept of not judging a book by its cover. her teeth are dazzling. white. stark white. think of the whitest white you’ve ever seen and imagine somehow bleaching it beyond that point. her teeth can blind the retinas of anyone who accidentally sees her smiling outside in the sun. y’know, it’d be fatal with the reflection and all, but seriously, i feel bad for her.

my problem is that this particular tooth is near my sinuses and when those get congested, which is pretty much a constant given my environment and allergies, i get tooth pain. i may have to see someone about it eventually, but until now i’m satisfied with playing pain killer roulette and switching it up between tylenol, bayer, and ibuprofen.

whee.

a blanket of stars

my boyfriend’s plane was delayed last night. he’s showering at his relative’s house now. i’m waiting for him to get ready so we can meet up with my cousin and his girlfriend for lunch. i’m broke, and by broke, i mean unwilling to tap into my savings.

it’s windy, and i’m wearing his oversized sweatshirt. and it smells vaguely of him, like some sort of cologne that is distinctly him. i’ve been storing it for months, hoping to retain some of it to last me until he gets home. he’ll have to wear it some more, burn himself into the fabric, because after this i won’t see him again until June. and part of me wants to kiss him, while the other urges me to get one quick slug in before i manage to restrain myself. this has been a bad year for us, but a wonderful year for me.

and i have to call back my internship. and let them know if i’ll be in tomorrow to volunteer an hour or so of my time to visit with kids. did i mention that at all? i’m going to work at a foster care agency. and i’m going to counsel children in their foster homes. and be on call 24/7 with a beeper, like an extension of my residence hall. i hope i can handle this. i need to prove to myself that i can handle it. my great-uncle passed away this week. and my mind is an existential mess of mortality.

whirlwind

and baby, I am a basket case. A case of baskets. Woven ones. Woven thoughts and words, in a flurry, a hazy whooooshing cloud like in Dante’s 2nd? 5th? canto where the adulterous lovers are rushed around, never able to fully embrace or stay still, since their lust was as overwhelming and uncertain.

Oh, my long-term boyfriend is returning to town for a visit. It’s been over two months since I last saw him…oh, and part of me is anxious in a positive way, while the other half is dreading configuring how both worlds are going to mesh…are they going to collide? Violently? Peacefully?

And speaking of peaceful, did my great-uncle have a peaceful death as the priest tried to reassure us, the tearful mourners, grieving among sloppy jokes about provolone, exercising…and did he really go on and on about being in Iraq or Afghanistan when there lay our poor dead man in his coffin, a string of rosary beads wrapped in his forever still hands? Having a heart attack in a car being driven by one’s understandably hysterical wife does not sound peaceful to me. At all. Life is quick, quick, quick, and even when you’re older, it is still a shame for one’s parents to outlive their son….God, is life ever quick.

And I worry over my father’s health now. Bought Bayer and said it with a slight tremble, “Dad, if you ever get chest pain – there’s the Bayer” because the man does not take care of himself. And what if they do end up putting him on diabetic medication and he continues to eat so poorly? A forced half hour walk around will not be that beneficial in the overall picture of his well-being…and he has to be there one day. all days. To walk me down the aisle. To walk my children to the school bus. Something has to change. For the better.

All of these disjointed sentences.

Finally, how did I get stuck doing my sister’s homework on Communism? The girl gets to sleep and I’m slaving over her history books. Nonsense.

cafeteria

i’m sitting against a brick interior wall. the plastic chair is hard, red, and non-descript other than the lack of comfort it offers. there is a sausage, egg, and cheese on a roll, real egg, real cheese slowly digesting in my stomach; the real cholesterol-fever inducing goodness of it slides and slips along, gurgling appropriately, happily. it is home. the coffee joins it, javanilla and 3 sugars and real half & half (there is no holding back the calories tonight). leptin is released and i am sated. gurgle. suppressed burp. initial thought of a rather pleased, “gross”.  these silly things we admit to ourselves, to the Internet audience, those faceless darlings.

torn feelings. torn thoughts. speedy text messages. cowardice.

friend: I am sorry, but I do not get you.

me: this upcoming break will determine it all, whether we stay together or not.

friend: good, fuck him over then.

me: but…

friend: but what?!

me: I don’t want to hurt him.

friend: fuck that. he’s hurt you countless times. you’ve gone soft on me.

me: but doesn’t every couple fight?

friend: like this? you’re not fighting each other. this is not a disagreement. you’re pitying him and he’s clinging to you.

me: he’s not here to cling to me.

friend: yes, he’s almost 1,000 miles away and he has a stronghold on your emotional state, if not your physical existence.

me: then, what is left to do?

friend: figure out what you want.

me: what about need?

friend: does anyone ever really need someone else, or is that a fabricated feeling of dependency that we create in order to feel secure in our commitments to another?

the line between conversing with another human being and myself was blurred long ago.

i am a

little ball of confused misery.