Monthly Archives: January 2009

epic fail

It’s been an extra busy and interesting week. Usually, there comes a sense of relief and satisfaction when most of the week goes by without any real physical emergencies from any occupants in this building, but the lack of mental health and ability to handle stress with finesse is evident enough.

The urge to crawl underneath the covers and squish earplugs in for days at a time came after five hours of mediating between people complaining over things that probably will not matter by the weekend. I am slowly adjusting to a grinding schedule of a nearly full-time work week, evening graduate level classes, and attending to resident duties at night. A wild, weird trip, indeed.

I have an epic win post coming up for you, but slobber on this verbatim quotation until then -

“Thanks for meeting with us, but we just have too much respect for one another to talk and compromise.”

It’s funny when people complain that there are hours of one’s life wasted, because really, sometimes things happen and all of these experiences are unavoidable. Also, there never is a true context for how long a healthy person might live, yet I’ll agree for once. Hours of life. Wasted. I hope I hit a small nerve during that nearly two hour long session, and that the one being held among ten people early next week over noise complaints goes smoothly. At least they are youthful people with little worries, or else why would they make a big deal out of nothing?
I must really be a graduate. I am already reminiscing over the carefree quality in college…while still living in a dorm building.

excuses

I project these genuine, but guilty thoughts, and most of all, the anger onto you because I do not want to admit certain things.

And all of the little jabbing things that leave me here or you upset only serve as justification for any resentment and longing I feel.

Gung Hei Fat Choy

It’s the year of the (Earth) Ox. Ignore the fact that this post is a couple days late…

translucent

You see through me. I’m like a ghost. He’s invisible to her. She’s blind to the truth.

These common phrases are insightful because they describe some painful emotion, whether it’s being ignored by another or the negative results that might arise from ignorance or denial.

Pain, like all emotions, is felt in different degrees of intensity depending on the contextual situation and individual involved. We all experience it through our lives and some of us have even studied it in great detail. Yet, the real challenge presents itself in allowing oneself to experience it fully, embracing the pain and letting it go in a psychologically healthy way, so as to remain whole on the other side. Along with this, people often attribute the undesired behaviors and words of romantic love interests onto a wider scapegoat of ‘love’ in its entirety and end up embittered, even scorning the notion of being cared for again in any attached way. This is where the blog turns a bit more psychoanalytic in perspective. Present behavior is rooted by conditions, defenses set into motion from past experiences, fears, and even more than fear – angst.

The above examples used in the first line of this post illustrates how imagery clearly describes the separation of a relationship. I am not only speaking of interpersonal relationships in this matter, but in the inability we often have of being unable to sway from the foundation of a personal perspective. There is always some type of miscommunication taking place.  Irving Singer discusses appraisal (along with bestowal) in love at length in three volumes entitled The Nature of Love. Near the beginning in the first, around page 14, Singer claims that love does not consist of illusions, but in developing a whole understanding and acceptance of the beloved. The person sees his or her love in great detail and allows for inconsistencies in character, such as a solicitied action of wrongdoing, to become forgivable transgressions or even admirable traits to the lover as he or she perceives the other. The word ‘perceiving’ is used because such judgments of an individual are never without bias – the interpretation of stimuli has a similar pattern between human beings, but never contains an exact standardized formula. Besides differing between individuals, each culture and society has its own set of norms and taboos that dictate acceptable and intolerable ways of living, expectations for interacting with the self, others, and the world. This bias is merely colorful, imaginative, and on the contrary to being untruthful, can help create one of the strongest, most passionate, and beneficial conditions of the human spirit – love for someone other than oneself.

hello,

little significant day in history.

the economy

They always told me as an undergrad that one surefire way of avoiding this economy was to stay within the academic environment.

“Nobody can touch you if you’re still in school. You’re safe in the bubble.”

Well, not quite. Although one could technically acquire graduate degrees, certifications, and licenses by avoiding the “real world,” a person also is left without a viable source of income. Many extend their debt by taking out additional loans and deferring others. It all makes sense, though. I mean, I’m in graduate school for the same reasons.

However, I was waiting for a GA job. Essentially, a person works for a department on-campus and gets their graduate tuition fees waived. Unfortunately, due to the state of the economy and the business-oriented mindset of a higher level institution, many of those positions at my particular school have been reduced or cut.

There was no way that they were going to accept a proposal for a new one when they were already laying off others who had been granted permission before me.

Let’s hope I can ride this out with a bit of style and grace.

bowling

When in doubt, bowl with the other hand for better results -

Not because you may miraculously or unknowingly discover that you are actually ambidextrous, but because the unfamiliar, perhaps clumsy feel will make you hesitate for a second. It will make you stop and pay more attention to your technique, your frame of mind.

In fact, stopping for a moment and contemplating about what to do in any situation before acting may just win out of being impulsive more often than not.

Note: If you have longer fingernails (like me), the broken nails will still be worth it.

let it be

A lot of people usually jump the gun. They let their emotions override them. They get upset, buy pills, call their best friend in another state, and scare everyone. They get cut off, honk their horn, and angrily drive the rest of the trip home. They think someone is staring at them wrong, whatever that means, and initiate a violent or frightening confrontation. A co-worker pisses them off, and they bad mouth them to the rest of the office. This impulse is destructive, yet inherent in every human being. The ancient Greeks used to battle the animal beast within and strove for what they believed was rational perfection. However, we can’t live this way – this intrinsic duality cannot be defeated through either extreme. It must be complemented in order to be conquered, and even then, it is not exactly a struggle so much as achieving a healthy balance.

So, as many have written and said, in one way or other, don’t sweat the little things – the things that won’t matter. And even when it does, panic won’t serve any beneficial purpose. Emotion has to be processed properly in order to leave the individual psychologically intact in the end, and should not be fully ignored. The difference is in understanding where the feelings are coming from, allowing them to pass without any impromptu action that is harmful to oneself or others, and coming to terms with the emotions at the finish line of its ride.

incompetence

Graduating has made me calm. Don’t get the wrong idea – there was a period of crying, freaking out, and generally contending with a feeling of uselessness and hopelessness that was pervasive enough to send me in a downward spiral and negatively impact sleeping patterns, but this takes the freaking double chocolate layered cake of all time (I want sweets right now to give me a false sense of well-being!!!) -

My school mistakenly placed my graduate application in the wrong pile, as in the pile for the next academic year. This is even with them mailing my application processing fee back because it was waived – a simple filing mishap that can effectively leave me homeless and jobless within a short time span of two weeks. If it succeeds in its destructive path I will also have to put my education on hold.

I directly e-mailed and left a voicemail for the Big Honchos in charge. I let my two bosses know in separate departments that I’m floundering in this situation. And after feeling semi-accomplished, I cried on the phone with loved ones about all the stress pouring in out of nowhere, just as soon as I was getting everything settled and back on course, until my cellphone died. And its charger is not currently in my possession.

“Just keep swimming!”

UPDATE — I was accepted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

still bloggin’ in 09

Happy belated 2009, everyone! This blog didn’t forget to wish the Roman calendar a tanti auguri  - I was waiting for the perfect topic to post about, but a new technology would probably swarm the Internetz and make blogs obsolete by then.

I have never allowed the idea of a New Year’s resolution to fully develop or anchor itself as a possibility in my brain. Some individuals require a starting point to adhere to, while others stumble or find themselves forced to take significant actions of change.

What’s your resolution, if any?

This is a year for the old adage of ‘going with the flow’ and generally not taking myself too seriously. 2008 helped me summit a pinnacle in my academic career, but it is only one of several peaks that need to be climbed (I have never been mountaineering). Still -one needs to live life before one can write about it – so here’s to a rockin’ bloggin’ time in 2009.