There are only two categories of inebriation, which encircles all types of drunk people on one continuous spectrum – amoebas and neanderthals.
It only takes a little fermented fruit to make most men lose the advantage that millions of evolutionary years has fine tuned in our ability to reason. That being said, it reverts us back into the Stone Age. If those in the Stone Age were to get drunk, they might as well have reacted like amoebas in turn, following the historical order of events. Yet, modern human beings under the influence generally act like amoebas or neanderthals, and can be classified thus:
Amoebas
The one that can be typically found passed out with drawings all over him or herself, hunched over a toilet, laying flat or curled in fetal position on the floor. The type that becomes the silent, internalized observer, and even referring to the somber drunk that softly weeps over some failure or memory. These individuals are generally slow moving, slow to think and even slower to respond. They are wrapped up on the inside, and can be quite the introvert, maybe some are before they even begin chugging down the booze.
The Neanderthal
The type that displays aggressive and loud externalized behavior. The brute that runs off instincts and emotional waves. This drunk can usually be found rolling among the muck and mire at a bar while fighting with another Neanderthal, cursing and glaring, pulling down street flyers and signs while cackling, and flipping over furniture for the sheer exhilaration of using his or her muscles in a tipsy Hulk fashion. Alcohol seems to energize them and exacerbate their pre-drunk state rather than detract and calm.
Which one are you?
Geico: So easy even an amoeba can do it.