Monthly Archives: August 2010

love, companionship, and consciousness

It seems an almost childish thing to mourn, but my beloved anole, Harriet, died this week. She brought a lot of happiness to our small household. She was a wonderful wife, soon-to-be mother, and cherished family member. An earlier post below already focused on how she brightened our lives, but also that of her mate, Carl. It isn’t uncommon for female anoles to die during the breeding season – they lay eggs too quickly for their bodies to replenish nutrients, especially calcium. Vitamin drops, dusts, and other concoctions seem sporadically effective (I’ve perused various reptile owner forum threads), while at least one Dartmouth-based research study focused on the morbidity rate of wild anoles.

Is it possible for animals to love one another? Sure, anoles are social creatures (as are many other species), but do they remember those deceased from their familial groups? Some animals mate for life, but is this indicative of a complex relationship structure akin to humanity with emotional bonds? Carl is a slightly grumpy, unmotivated lizard. Yet, he was always attentive to Harriet. When she was dying, he watched her carefully. When she stopped moving much, he turned dark brown – was this coincidental? When she passed, he looked for her in the usual spots where she slept and climbed, to no avail. It was a sad, depressing sight.

Harriet, hunting.

Yet, my observations come from a biased, firmly human perspective. I could very well force my interpretation of the situation on Carl’s behavior. Does he remember Harriet? Does he miss her specifically, or companionship? He may not. Female anoles are sacrificial, noble beings. Harriet had a lot of personality for such a small body, and conditions were enough to induce her to lay eggs, despite the inherent risk of death. Allegedly, female anoles can choose whether to let their eggs fertilize. Although sexually mature, she could have continued to live her life with Carl without reproducing. Some readers might point this as fact of the female condition, knowing that one’s life may be given for the sake of creating another; it’s also easy to argue that coupled pairs of animals are naturally driven to reproduce.

Either case is reflective of Harriet’s giving nature. She provided Carl with a firm social structure. She dominated him in a motivating way (since he ignores the most basic of survival instincts, like hunting). Descartes once stated, “I think, therefore I am.” All one can trust is that one exists – everything else could be an elaborate illusion. Yet, when given examples like the bond between a mere pair of lizards, one also realizes that there is a greater meaning to life incomprehensible to human consciousness and our supremacy over life on Earth, beyond understanding or scientific study. I believe that Harriet was conscious, and that Carl cared for her well-being as she did his; whether these beliefs are true or misguided does not really matter. Harriet’s eggs may hatch within the next several weeks. Hopefully, her progeny will survive.

career and identity

What do you do for a living?

It’s a common question, but deceiving all the same. People do a lot of things, may carry several job titles at once or over the course of a lifetime, but this question carries a bit of judgment with it – there are conclusions from how someone responds, certain societal definitions of self-worth that mingle in with one’s reaction to an answer. In short, there exists a concern of being pigeonholed, categorized, boxed in a label simply based on one’s current profession. It’s somewhat ridiculous.

Recent graduates are encountering this question nearly weekly, daily. It is a constant rumination for some, while others who found employment may struggle with climbing the ladder; they strive toward using their degree or vocational education to its fullest. Starting an entry-level job can emit feelings of gratefulness (especially in this economic downturn), but sometimes, it doesn’t calm the feeling of defeat churning in one’s gut. Still, some peers have achieved this goal (or threw out the instruction manual to the major-laden expectations of pursuing a certain field), and have followed their interests, carving out a career path that has nothing to do with their educational background.

Whatever a person does, others usually want to know. People want to know if someone feels satisfied in their field – content, yearnful, disappointed. People look at benefits, salary vs. hourly wage, lifestyle fit, and personality vs. employer match. One of my relatives is considering a job offer at this moment. She is still a college student, but offered a relatively lucrative part-time position; it would not only offer the largest hourly rate that she has been given so far, but excellent experience and networking opportunities. In taking that offer, she would scale back on her enrollment for the semester and leave another part-time job with a great, considerate boss. There are more factors that go into play when considering job contentment – sometimes, the pay cut is worth the payoffs, but I have a feeling that philosophy is somewhat more rare to find than simply performing a job to make ends meet, to support oneself or one’s family, and if possible, to pay for some leisure and luxury on the side too.

Am I known for more than my title – for my passion, integrity, and decency as a human being, maybe even my (usually corny) sense of humor? When I tend to jump in the water, I dive right in, submerging myself in its depths. I feel like I am allowing myself to drown at times – I give too much, realize a few seconds too late that I put too much into my tasks, take things seriously, and believe in my employment’s mission – I am an advocate for change, for utilizing company time to its utmost potential, and to strive further. Although I am not necessarily seeing this current situation as being an end-all or stepping stone for greener pastures, I would like to use my graduate degree more relevantly, whatever that means. I did not study human behavior for the paycheck, and I surely get personal satisfaction out of what I do now. There is enough fight and energy pumping to settle yet – this is only the beginning of my earning years, of my adventure.

Plus, there comes a bit of freedom in not having a business card – I am still young in my current field, any field. It’s time to push aside any feelings of doubt or insecurity and enjoy the river. The current is smooth enough with mild, manageable rapids for an amateur,  and I have to stop exerting so much energy into analyzing the gentle curves of the riverbed. There are only two nagging, metaphorical fears – 1) The river will drop off into an irresponsibly foreseeable waterfall at the last moment that will have me scrambling for dry land or 2) The river will empty out into a vast ocean that will leave me begging for shore. The river can only last so long and I am unsure of where I am on the map at the moment.

So, what do you do for a living?

My Dad’s Playlist

My dad has always been a fan of music. Although he owned a record player and stereo set (that has since been proudly given to me), I was raised with infamous hits like “Superfreak,” “Walk like a Dinosaur,” and “Da Da Da.” We managed to bond, however, over his tolerance for ELO. It’s a personal joy when I discover him humming or singing, and though he is an unassuming, quiet character, he certainly likes smooth rhythms and beats. Knowing all of this about my father, I bought him headphones and an Amazon.com mp3 gift card for Father’s Day.

Here is what he bought as a result:

  • B.O.B. – Nothin’ on You
  • The Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feeling
  • Simple Pleasures – Don’t Worry, Be Happy
  • Bon Jovi – Living on a Prayer
  • M.C. Hammer – Can’t Touch This
  • Jay-Z – Empire State of Mind
  • Joan Jett & The Blackhearts – I Love Rock & Roll
  • Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’
  • Katy Perry – California Gurls
  • Rod Stewart – Forever Young
  • Timbaland feat. Justin Timberlake – Carry Out
  • Usher – OMG
  • War – Low Rider

I can’t stop giggling.

Before I Die

Kind of a morbid title for a blog post, but a friend and I discussed The Bucket List recently. I liked her view, in that the contents of such a list really seems like one’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations – not necessarily what he or she would actually do if given a fatal diagnosis with limited time left to live. Everything pulled in very sharply and became focused, when I was critically ill years ago. In that sense, her point held true for me – I wanted more time to see people I love, and all thoughts of what I wished I had done seemed almost a moot point. It was not something I regretted or even considered. I know that rough patch is something  I occasionally mention on here; I have passed that time in my life. Some people may think that I tend to dwell on it too much, but really, I revisit those scary months because it reasserts how grateful I feel for being alive in the present, it spurs on motivation for my tomorrows. When you reach the end of the line and are given more rope, your life perspective changes, alters irrevocably.

So, while I won’t give you a bucket list, here are a few things I hope to do before my days of consciousness are over:

  • Write a book that gets published
  • Visit Alaska and view the Northern Lights
  • Visit Italy, preferably Florence and Venice
  • Take a cross-country road trip
  • Own a Ludwig drumset with top-notch Paiste cymbals
  • Own a Mazda
  • Have a pet dog
  • Try to ski or snowboard
  • Change someone’s life for the better
  • Help as many students as possible in getting accepted into college
  • Take life less seriously; be more upbeat and positive
  • Learn how to walk in heels
  • Learn how to rollerblade without breaking or spraining anything
  • Learn how to ice skate
  • Partake in bonfire nights often
  • Go to music concerts and rock out
  • Listen to classical music until the beauty of human creativity brings me to joyful tears
  • Reconcile with my mother
  • Get a tattoo with my sister
  • Own a digital SLR and take thousands of photographs
  • Accept and love myself
  • Visit Yellowstone National Park

What do you want to do? How are you taking action to crossing off some items on your list?

A Lizard Love Story

Carl was a lazy lizard, a sad, miserably lonely lizard. He had a relatively large tank for himself with an abundance of sticks and crickets, but Carl refused to move. He refused to even hunt. He remained stubborn, gradually getting skinny enough until he was essentially hand-fed fatty caterpillars to keep up his weight.

This routine was exhausting and yes, pathetic. Research of the vast Internetz revealed that anole lizards are social creatures. So, Harriet was introduced to the tank. At first, Carl thought Harriet was a competing male, and rather than fight for his territory, he turned brown. About five seconds later, he turned bright green and attempted to assert and (ahem – insert) himself. Harriet would have none of it and has remained dominant ever since. She takes the highest perches. She climbs all over him. She initiates reproduction.

Yet, Harriet has served as a muse for Carl, an elegant role model. He learned how to appropriately court a female, how to hunt (and appear dashing while doing it). He even learned how to copulate upside down (but we’ll keep it PG-13 for the younger readers) to satisfy his female.

It really was inevitable, but Carl and Harriet are on their way to becoming (indifferent) parents. There was a second egg buried a bit behind the one in this photograph. Both have been removed for their protection from viciously eager crickets, but it’ll be several weeks before we know if they’ll hatch. Updates to follow.