Category Archives: Introspection

The Appraisal

This poem begins my contributions to NaBloPoMo in April 2012, along with the A-Z Challenge. A is for Appraisal.

Sometimes, I wonder what you think
when your eyes pass over me.

Am I boring you?
Is there a stain on my shirt,
some stubborn wrinkle?

Do I look, sound, or act too
ridiculous, or perhaps
too sure?

Impossible insecurities
leak out my brain,
run down my ears and
coat my throat to form

biting words,

but I choke them into

silence.

I will not trip up
or dress down
to sway your
opinion.

Appraise away!

I remain intact
because I know my worth,
with all strengths and faults,
biases and boundaries.

I know and love.

I know and love me.

Hydrating and Upbeat

Today, I walked two miles or so to the doctor’s office while dizzy, fevered, and congested.

I'm in there, somewhere

My boyfriend is also sick and lost his voice. We are hiding in separate rooms to ride out our mutual viral infections. A positive aspect is that I can listen to music and  submit lyrics online without upsetting his musical tastes or mine (I have no idea how that song even made its way onto my iTunes. I blame Amazon’s free MP3 downloads).

I drank almost a gallon of water and still feel parched, but realize it could be worse. What if I didn’t have any clean water available to drink? Best of all, it was cold and refreshing. I know this discomfort is temporary though I may feel out of sorts, light-headed, and unable to keep food down now. I am fortunate in being able to consult and receive professional medical care when needed too, and on a proactive, preventative basis if desired.

There is no room for misery in my little isolation room tonight. Time to sleep and rest up.

Embracing Your Label

Every person you know has one recognizable quirk or trait. A label. We can’t build relationships without bridging connections between someone’s face and something memorable about them, for good or bad. We all have a dramatic friend, bossy acquaintance, funny co-worker, or relative with that slightly unique habit, interest, or downright unbelievable belief. We’re one or more of those things to someone else. Descriptions about people are not always the same across varied settings; it really depends on the person evaluating the other, what they feel is the most pertinent information or individualized factoid, how the nickname or trait became known (what were the circumstances?), and the environment. Here are a few favorite labels gifted to me:

At a past gig, I spent half my time in an office with a large window next to my desk. I started in late summer and the window let in abundant natural light. Or so I believed. My supervisor and colleagues used to get their daily kick by walking slowly toward me and flipping on the light switch with a flourish before laughing and walking away. I was known as the one (possibly a vampire) who likes to sit in the dark.

Lately, a dear colleague jokes with me because I occasionally wear a leather jacket and talk about playing drums. This amuses her because she thought my demeanor was meek and rather quiet, aligning well with my interests in website design, social media, and self-appointed tasks to set up her Gmail contact lists and troubleshoot her computer. She also worked late once and heard beautiful ballads and riffs by AC/DC filtering out from my work station. I am now known as the studious techie who used to be quiet, but is really a rebellious rocker chick by night.

Most recently, I spent some time with another staff team that prefers to regularly order delivery food for lunch. Instead of partaking in this ritual, I bring a microwaveable bowl of soup to keep my already curvy figure and budgeted wallet in check. Plus, I’m just a sucker for some broth to soothe my throat at lunch time from talking all day with clients. They affectionately call me the Soup Lover.

When I was a teenager, my hair reached my hips and I wore oversized hoodies, plaid pajama pants, and indulged in my insomnia by learning HTML. Today, my hair is shorter, I lounge in casual wear only when time permits (see: Sunday mornings), people pay me to code and counsel, and unfortunately, I wake up early despite any late night tendencies. My best friend and mother are astonished, yet relieved pleased by these (wardrobe) developments.

Who am I, really? All of the above and more. I really enjoyed sitting by a window with natural sunlight pouring onto my desk. I certainly find release in pounding on a drum kit and listening to rock music. Soup is delicious. I prefer lounging to corporate wear, but learned to appreciate the sunrise as well as the sunset.

Personal traits are not static or permanently defining, but progressive, multifaceted, and developmental. No one can escape being categorized, but you can mold your reputation, embody your values, and change, grow, and laugh along the way.

Shatter and Sparrows

“What happened to your nails?” the manicurist chirped, staring at my hands with a concerned, yet disgusted expression. The jagged nails  curved in their usual uneven and slightly bent ends.

Perched Ring by Francesca's Collections, $14.00

“I’m a nervous nail-picker, jabber, tabletop tapper, and careless cymbal -clasher,” I replied automatically, asked this question too frequently to feel appropriately taken aback.

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Blog Imitating Life

This tree exists. Its leaves are ablaze, yet not singed. The tree still lives on as it settles into a winter slumber, and declares, “I am here, like you. Stop and witness me. Don’t forget to embrace each moment as you live it.”

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Items that didn’t make the Hurricane Evacuation Bag list

It’s painful, but with Hurricane Irene threatening to blow out the place, there’s really no choice but for me to leave some treasured belongings behind. I’m not one of those selfish fools who refuses to evacuate if it becomes necessary.

I wish I could bring some of the following items, but they aren’t really on the top of my survival must-have list:

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“Honey, am I going bald?” and a few other signs that we’re adults

He made a gasping sound that turned my head. I asked, “What’s wrong?”

His fingers brushed through his hair, a full head of hair, nervously and he muttered, “I think my hair is receding.”

“What?! Where?” I questioned in astonishment, standing up and moving toward him.

His gaze burnt into the floor as he mumbled and gestured with his pointer finger, “Right here.”

“No. You’re not going bald. Your hair isn’t thinning – look, you have the same hairline structure on the other side. You just got a haircut and you’re not used to seeing where your hair naturally parts. See?” I smoothed the hair away from his forehead.

He looked in the mirror and breathed out a deep sigh, “Oh, that was frightening. I’m getting old! We’re getting old! Together!”

“Together!” I chanted back with an amused eye roll and smile.

He may have his hair (now), but here are a few other things I’ve been noticing in the past few years that suggest adulthood is in full swing here:

  • Financial independence – I live on my own, take care of my finances, and don’t rely on my parents for support. I’ve filed taxes as an independent!
  • Creaking and groaning joints – I wake up, stretch, and my body cracks in a raucous symphony that reminds me of ill-tuned bongos mixed with a few trashcan lid cymbals. I make a sudden, awkward movement in daily life, and something cracks as though hailing the approach of carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis.
  • Inability to party like it’s 1999 – If that reference didn’t place a timestamp on me, nothing will do the job. I’m not at the point of needing naps (although they’ve become precious commodities that should be taken advantage of whenever possible), but I find myself saying things like, “Wow, I would really like to go out and catch up, but it’s already 9 pm and I really have to wake up early. I still have things to finish up before sleeping. Maybe next time?”
  • Prioritization of chores – I’m juggling and thinking about the best strategies to get home from work with enough time to clean, cook, wash dishes, iron, take a shower, and get some more projects done before turning in for the night. In college, all I had to consider was how much longer to procrastinate on an assignment before it was absolutely vital for me to unplug myself from the Internet, skip out on a party, or tackle an extracurricular meeting.
  • My friends are getting married and having babies, and asking when I’m going to do the same. The wedding invites are pouring in by the dozen. Three slightly older relatives are giving birth within these next four months.
  • The topics of discussion have gotten really domestic or work-related in nature. When did I care so much about interior design or household items, like comparing cleaners with my friends?
  • I’m at a point in my life where I can think up a list and actually have items to put on it.

through the peephole

Imagine that you are standing behind an apartment door, and you are viewing the hall through a standard peephole. What would you see? There is, perhaps, a set of stairs leading up and leading down several flights; if you’re lucky, maybe an elevator. You might be able to see the front doors of several neighbors, depending on the dimensions of the building. A window might also be in your line of vision, but overall, the skewed world looks like a fish eye lens and the blurred details are cut off. There is a blind spot that no amount of head turning or squinting can remedy.

This is how most people view the world – from one fixed point of view with only an inkling, an educated guess if one will, to how life might be like for others. My experience and knowledge is behind me, but my approach forward, restricted. If you stare long enough, you could catch a glimpse of some people, the mail being delivered; if someone or something is interesting or familiar, your hand could turn the knob, open the door. I know you can’t stay inside the apartment forever – human beings are curious and we have routines to work through from day-to-day, but the metaphor remains a thought process to ponder a bit – what if your entire worldview were within the confines of the peephole? What if this holds true today? What will you do to reach and open the door? Most importantly, what steps would you need to take to make sure that you were open to what lies beyond it?

career and identity

What do you do for a living?

It’s a common question, but deceiving all the same. People do a lot of things, may carry several job titles at once or over the course of a lifetime, but this question carries a bit of judgment with it – there are conclusions from how someone responds, certain societal definitions of self-worth that mingle in with one’s reaction to an answer. In short, there exists a concern of being pigeonholed, categorized, boxed in a label simply based on one’s current profession. It’s somewhat ridiculous.

Recent graduates are encountering this question nearly weekly, daily. It is a constant rumination for some, while others who found employment may struggle with climbing the ladder; they strive toward using their degree or vocational education to its fullest. Starting an entry-level job can emit feelings of gratefulness (especially in this economic downturn), but sometimes, it doesn’t calm the feeling of defeat churning in one’s gut. Still, some peers have achieved this goal (or threw out the instruction manual to the major-laden expectations of pursuing a certain field), and have followed their interests, carving out a career path that has nothing to do with their educational background.

Whatever a person does, others usually want to know. People want to know if someone feels satisfied in their field – content, yearnful, disappointed. People look at benefits, salary vs. hourly wage, lifestyle fit, and personality vs. employer match. One of my relatives is considering a job offer at this moment. She is still a college student, but offered a relatively lucrative part-time position; it would not only offer the largest hourly rate that she has been given so far, but excellent experience and networking opportunities. In taking that offer, she would scale back on her enrollment for the semester and leave another part-time job with a great, considerate boss. There are more factors that go into play when considering job contentment – sometimes, the pay cut is worth the payoffs, but I have a feeling that philosophy is somewhat more rare to find than simply performing a job to make ends meet, to support oneself or one’s family, and if possible, to pay for some leisure and luxury on the side too.

Am I known for more than my title – for my passion, integrity, and decency as a human being, maybe even my (usually corny) sense of humor? When I tend to jump in the water, I dive right in, submerging myself in its depths. I feel like I am allowing myself to drown at times – I give too much, realize a few seconds too late that I put too much into my tasks, take things seriously, and believe in my employment’s mission – I am an advocate for change, for utilizing company time to its utmost potential, and to strive further. Although I am not necessarily seeing this current situation as being an end-all or stepping stone for greener pastures, I would like to use my graduate degree more relevantly, whatever that means. I did not study human behavior for the paycheck, and I surely get personal satisfaction out of what I do now. There is enough fight and energy pumping to settle yet – this is only the beginning of my earning years, of my adventure.

Plus, there comes a bit of freedom in not having a business card – I am still young in my current field, any field. It’s time to push aside any feelings of doubt or insecurity and enjoy the river. The current is smooth enough with mild, manageable rapids for an amateur,  and I have to stop exerting so much energy into analyzing the gentle curves of the riverbed. There are only two nagging, metaphorical fears – 1) The river will drop off into an irresponsibly foreseeable waterfall at the last moment that will have me scrambling for dry land or 2) The river will empty out into a vast ocean that will leave me begging for shore. The river can only last so long and I am unsure of where I am on the map at the moment.

So, what do you do for a living?

the lesson learned in the past few days

We’re all a bit unsure, battling and aligning ourselves with social expectations of where we should be at this moment in our lives. You’re headed in the “right” direction as long as you establish a goal to better your tomorrow, and actively work to achieve it. You lose the fight when you are too apathetic or downtrodden to try.