Category Archives: on Academics

concept without application

Posted on January 25, 2010 | Leave a comment

An old colleague passed by me on the street today.

He very briefly lamented over a recent course of training he endured, his voice cracking in frustration, “Ughhh, it was even more pointless than the ones they made us go to when you worked with us.”

I asked him to explain, to elaborate.

He continued speedily, his voice as quick as his gait as we began to walk in opposite directions, “It was pointless because I will never use any of that – it will never be applied to anyone I meet or anything I do.”

I have been known to bask and revel in the theoretical. However, there is a nagging feeling that accompanies limiting oneself from application. It is self-imposed, because technically, nearly every conceptual idea can be related to some worldly experience or level of reality. Sometimes, it’s simply being stubborn.

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perfection

Posted on January 7, 2010 | Leave a comment

“What’s wrong? You look pissed,” a friend observed.

Even ten minutes after the fact, the seething burn in my face was still strongly felt.

“How long have I been studying Psychology?” I asked, noting an odd, higher-pitched key to my voice.

“Ummm…jeez….you studied it in undergrad, right?”

A mute nod.

“4, almost 5 years to the month,” they counted on their fingertips.

“So tell me why the easiest class known to God, the one I suffered through with continuous discussion and painstaking alertness, urging every effort to do anything but stare at the paint peeling off the walls, awarded my efforts with a sparkling A-,” I squeaked, nearly screamed.

“You’re joking,” was the simple response with a twitch of an eyebrow raise. No. Simple. To the point. He started to laugh. Hard.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded.

“That’s what you’re mad about?! Dear God, woman! I thought someone killed your childhood pet!”

“She ruined my 4.0!!!” I shot back, pacing.

“Since when did you give a shit about grade perfection?”

I stilled my anxious steps and thought, really thought about it. Toward the end of my undergraduate education, I had the exhilarating notion that grades did not really matter. Much. That the education underneath the lectures and mountains of senseless paperwork really counted. Enjoying the ride. Those last semesters afforded me an incredible sensation of closure and peace. I did not graduate summa cum laude like I had always dreamt, but in the second tiering. It was still satisfying, but there had always been a stinging pinch of regret at what my inner-perfectionist growled as laziness.

My friend took in my silent countenance and shook his head ruefully, “Okay, so tell me what your cumulative GPA is now.”

Still lost in my thoughts, waging war internally, I grumbled, “Erm…a 3.96.” More laughter. The sound irritated my ears.

“Oh sure, you’re definitely not going anywhere successful in life,” he rolled his eyes. HE ROLLED HIS EYES! Disbelieving, I turned toward the sarcastic tone. Not the person.

“Seriously, woman, you’re bright. You work hard. You still have a killer GPA. Stop being a demonic, overly-sensitive mess.”

If I could have snarled, I would have. Then, a calm cloud overtook me. Damn the man for being right, grumbled my perfectionist ogre. The logical side smirked and slipped my friend a high-five. I glared at the both of them – sure, abandon me in my self-righteous tirade. How does one encapsulate or strictly define ‘perfection’ anyway?

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Posted in Family and Friendship, Grad School, on Academics

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forever riding the crest of

Posted on December 7, 2009 | Leave a comment

Thesis, my love, my ever-challenging soul wrecker. You, my sweetest, my most despised, will be the death of me. a tenuous line that meanders off in two directions. One dictates life be led one way, while the other wanders over a hazily outlined hillside, stretching beyond the scope of simple conjecture and into a land beyond charted seas. There is a longing – to maximize an academic potential. To continue on the noble route of the intellectual. There is a pulling – to scamper toward the practical and invest in life’s simple pleasures, hopes, and reaching aspirations that many are not fortunate enough to know or see. And Thesis, you still refuse to write yourself, as though to mock and cajole me into a heartened slumber that the second option does not somehow entangle the first. Fret on and push still, for in this moment, I know better.

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Posted in Grad School, on Academics, Writing/Language

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soggy cheerios, cold coffee

Posted on November 16, 2009 | Leave a comment

Holy smokes! Where have I been? Look at all of this dust. Disgraceful.

Ever see Road Runner from Looney Toons? I’m Road Runner, but mute because I haven’t had the energy to give a half-hearted, “Beep! Beep!” before taking off into the desert. Oh, but that Wile E. Coyote has sure had the time to chase me down. His real name is Research Thesis. His middle name is Father’s Illness. And his last name is Beatles Rock Band. Really. Beating the hell out of poor electronic excuses for my packed away drumset have let me vent frustration, sadness, fear, and concern. Melts everything, including responsibility, right off the chalkboard when one pretends to be Ringo Starr.

The first rough draft of my thesis results is due this Wednesday, and I haven’t even finished the data entry. What possessed me to use such a complex survey is not even worth thinking about right now. Why I bothered to be in graduate school is another issue altogether (a right decision, but one that deserves a bit of doubt given a long history of undergraduate procrastination and insomnia that has abated).

Soggy cereal is worth considering. The cool, bitter, and artificial sweetness of leftover coffee is another — coffee that was supposed to be consumed at around 5:30 a.m., and waited for the morning frost to seep into my bones enough to wake up, pour, and sip. Blessed are house alarms, for their sensitivities and frightening false triggers. I’d rather a false trigger than a real emergency, but I’d rather more a traditional alarm clock that I actually listened to.

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Posted in Grad School, on Academics

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one reason to (at the very least) respect President Obama

Posted on September 27, 2009 | 1 Comment

He supports American students. Click here to read the full transcript. If you have school age children, consider having them listen to President Obama’s speech. I highly recommend it. He also refers to teachers and parents, and shows students how their involvement is necessary in ensuring future successes.

This speech is extraordinary – developmentally appropriate, modern, and easy for students in difficult situations to relate to, and appreciate. Parents had the right to waive their child from listening in at school, but I found the outrage by many wary critics to be appalling. Those parents, Republican, Democratic, Independent, or unaffiliated, merely denied their children the right to access current news, hear further encouragement, and gain inspirational insight.

Lylah Alphonse from Boston.com shares my sentiments. She wrote, “Since when is telling kids to study hard and stay in school a Socialist concept?” Similarly, The Dallas Morning News received all sorts of letters to the editor in response.

It’s what many kids need to hear – students need to feel heard and listened to, to know their talents and interests are worthwhile, and that they should never fail to believe in themselves. So many Americans are anti-government or wary of political agendas to the point where they forget the positive things our country provides us. We beat our Bill of Rights into oblivion in the search for said Rights. Students, especially those in public schools, should feel like they are responsible and included in the educational process. They are vital pieces to the ultimate puzzle.

I grew up in a public school system where students easily slipped off educational pathways and into illicit venues. There were too many students for our administration to keep track of everyone. They saluted the motivated, pushed along those on the border, and placated everyone else.  I learned a lot from that educational background. I worked hard out of a personal invested interest in learning, even during the times when I was not exactly supported in my academic endeavors by those around me. I went to college despite some obstacles, including a life-threatening health condition that could have easily held me back in summer school. I did not realize how many of my peers, people who I knew on a first name basis and hung around with socially, simply stopped caring and did not continue after high school. Some did not even graduate, or were moved to “better school systems” by their families. Those kids, people I considered friends, could have used such a speech. The education some gave up on and others yearned for were all achievable at the high school we originally attended – some of us simply had a version of President Obama’s speech constantly in front of us, or already closely held in our hearts.

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Posted in on Academics

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has it been a week already?

Posted on February 22, 2009 | Leave a comment

another lesson learned: it’s easy to get caught up in the every day routine. i haven’t done much of anything besides research and mess around on Microsoft Excel for weeks now — it’s a killer.

Education is important. Acquiring the training and knowledge necessary to pursue my desired ‘practical’ occupation is necessary, essential. However, a large percentage of me, encompassing quite possibly the better part of my torso is hurting from the lack of reading and writing for personal enjoyment, and aching from the presuppositions of others that attending a graduate program or furthering one’s education academically is the only way of being in the world to know much of anything.

You are most likely aware that I am an academic at heart. Language and the expression of it is beautiful. Actions burgeon from ideas, and all of that poetic talk. Yet, it’s like drowning from drinking too much water — I have this coffee mug, and it looks innocent enough, sturdy. I am drinking water from it, but the cup never empties. My thirst never ceases either.

Philosophers recognized this a long time ago. But even if a philosopher is a lover of a wisdom, how does one reconcile never being able to reach a pinnacle, a certainty? The recognition of this bottomless well was acknowledged by both the East and West. Also, a person can learn and know, but never adequately apply, and without application of any sort, it is arguable that such learning is most assuredly wasted.

It states in the Analects (Waley, 1989): “The Master [Confucius] said, Yu, shall I teach you what knowledge is? When you know a thing, to recognize that you know it, and when you do not know a thing, to recognize that you do not know it. That is knowledge” (Book II, pg. 91).

According to various Google sources, in the Lives of Eminent Philosophers, Diogenes Laertius quotes Socrates as saying, “I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.” Further, in the Apology, Plato reiterates the trial of Socrates, where he states, “Is there not here conceit of knowledge, which is a disgraceful sort of ignorance?” (Jowett, 459).

I hope there is never a time in my life when I am confident in the amount I have learned, in the length of years I have lived. The world keeps rotating. The people keep changing. And we should all keep growing, adapting.

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Posted in Culture and Society, on Academics, Philosophy

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unintentional

Posted on October 9, 2008 | Leave a comment

I did not mean to miss class today. Again. Twice this week.

There is a cold being passed around, like in hot potato, and I fear that the music is going to stop on me. I feel the stuffiness in my lungs, the stiffness in my joints, and not only hear, but feel the gratiness in my cough.

Ugh. This sucks.

It was suggested to me awhile back that I probably have iron deficiency anemia, but I never looked into it. Sometimes, I feel like a walking medical condition when I read over my past blogs. So many issues in so few years – is my body elderly already? Ridiculous.

So yes, I awoke, promptly felt dizzy, and stayed down for an hour after I was supposed to go, go, go. I haven’t been taking my iron supplements either. Bad me. In the chaos of my last semester, I pretty much forgot all about them. So this cold is kicking my derriere, along with a probable lack of iron or something.

I’m going to the nurse. I already wrote an apologetic e-mail. I hope he doesn’t cough, “BS!” because I’m a graduating senior. Trust me – I do not have senioritis in the very least. I’d much rather stay in academia forever, and perhaps that’s a life goal of sorts – to never be separated from learning, or the love of learning, to learn something new every day.

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Posted in College Life, Health, Less than Stellar Days, on Academics

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waking up to drills

Posted on November 20, 2007 | Leave a comment

they’re building a new dorm building next door. construction starts at 7 am. sharp. There was an incident where my roommate gave out our room combination to her “friends” aka people who I’ve had to take disciplinary sanctions against, and a few who, when drunk, had made physical threats against me. Nice. She’s moving out at the end of the semester – any ideas on how I should re-decorate? I was thinking new shower curtains and bathroom rug (she has hot pink and brightly colored fish up), bringing a few microsuede chairs from home, buying a better lamp, and possibly a shoe rack. Oh, and some of my drumset, which I will then be able to record myself playing on for you :)

I have a test in cognitive science now and I’ll admit that I do not feel wholly prepared. I’m mostly nervous about getting the technical, directional names wrong like ventral and contralateral. I love the different categories of agnosia and the hippocampus. here’s where my psychology interest shines through. oddly enough, my practice psychology GRE scores are through the roof for cognitive science and sensation and perception, although I don’t particularly care for either. maybe i’m lying to myself and have a deeply embedded passion for these subcategories, but i highly doubt it.

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Posted in College Life, on Academics

the truth

Posted on October 25, 2007 | Leave a comment

i didn’t get my paper done. I have two pages out of 10. i say ten because the minimum is 7 and 10 seems to be the standard protocol for philosophy majors. i was reading over my old posts (it’s a shame that i didn’t save the ones from when i was really young at other servers or hosted by people with their own domains and actually used raw html instead of this pre-made layout stuff) when i realized how immature my understanding of the world was even a few months ago until now.

i sound so serious on here. a professor said that to me recently. he tapped me on the elbow and said, “You’re a very serious person. A very serious student.” I didn’t know whether that was good or bad. maybe it can’t be stripped down like that. there are times where i’m profoundly silly, but my written voice has always been intellectual.

i never talk about being a psychology major, but that is my true passion. the social sciences fascinate me to no end. someone recently asked me what my interests were. he jokingly said, “y’know, in terms of facebook jargon” and it got me thinking that that’s all people have become to each other. a list of qualities that can be pinpointed down into a profile. rumors are swirling. vehemently. i stayed up talking to someone last night until 3 am instead of writing my paper. i loosened up a lot this year socially, but the negative side is that i stay up until 2 am for work-related responsibilities…i still need to get this paper done.

maybe i’m so serious because i usually only write during the school year and the things i think about are academia-related. i’ll spare you talk of nodes of ranvier and myelin sheaths. of serotonin and dendrites. of confusion and hope. and looking forward to things in your day, but not wanting to own up to it because the uncertainties are too many and it’s easier to pretend that it doesn’t exist for right now just so you can get through your day without feeling like you’re living in a television set without reception. y’know, as though the static is swarming all around you, within you. that’s how i feel right now. it could be sleep-deprivation.

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Posted in College Life, on Academics, on Dreams and Sleep

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concentration

Posted on October 24, 2007 | Leave a comment

it’s something i haven’t had. i haven’t had the time to put together the interview video yet. i haven’t had patience to write this 10-12 page essay that i have due on fri. and have to complete by tonight (before/after my campus’s  music night). i haven’t been able to do anything in class, but write and write and write lines of poetry. poetry. something i’m supposed to be focusing on for my philosophy essay. it fails to escape me now. my notes are lined with little one-liners that pop into my head. i’m working on a lab rat poem inspired by half-listening in my cognitive science class. my mind is consumed with worry and fraught with thoughts that refuse to be suppressed. suppression. if this is any insight into what ADHD feels like, then i feel even more for people who have it. this is horrible.

i woke up early to go to the library. i’ve been here for two hours and have nothing really to show for it. i did get to schedule my classes for next year though. i checked my e-mail three times. i logged into social networking sites. i dabbled in more poetry. i edited and completed it. checked my e-mail again and sent the new poem to myself for reassurance. i also went through my old e-mails that were archived away and deleted some of them. i feel like my  mind needs spring cleaning, but it isn’t really even autumn weather outside. it’s already the end of October. they’ll be re-defining the seasons any day now. it always surprises me how we try to categorize the world based on patterns. things change. and shift. and grow. but that will be another post. maybe right after i publish this one.

rumors are swirling. and i don’t know what to believe.

i’ve had two potential weeks to work on this paper and all i have is the introduction. my premise is that Heidegger categorizes building as an elemental reaction to Being, to dwelling, but his work in the origin of the work of art also maintains art and poetry in ways that surpass the every day concept of language as a means of communication. i want to bridge the gap between building and art. i want to argue that art is a characteristic of dwelling, not merely a transcendence of language. i don’t think Heidegger disagrees with me. I think that the two (or three) essays have to be interconnected rather than dispersed within one front and back cover in separate works. i read a quote yesterday that said something about living and thinking too much. something like all it takes to live is to have a measure of luck, be physically fit, and having little imagination.

ooh. i found it. here it is:

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.  -Christopher Isherwood

the problem is that i have an overabundance of imagination. i can’t squash these thoughts. I almost said ‘squell’, which isn’t even a word. but it fits. language is so restrictive sometimes. squell. the opposite of ‘well’. like a ‘squall’. a torrent of feeling. i can’t push down this ‘squell’. there. it’s a new word now because it’s defined. i give you permission to use it.

motivate me to get this done.

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Posted in College Life, on Academics, Philosophy

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