Added this little gem to my holiday wish list.
Featured above: The Chalkboard Speech Bubble at the Photojojo Store!
“F!*king b!tch better not say-”
“We talked about how cursing affects others’ thoughts and perceptions about the person mouthing off,” I reminded the person seeking advisement from me, “and Mr. Smith (an authority figure) can hear you from here. Tone it down.”
“And Mr. Smith can hear you-blah, blah, blah,” the client mocked back, “Everyone’s always trying to get me to stop using foul language. Whatever.”
Come on,” I replied off-handedly, “how is this showing you have the upper hand or proving to yourself that you’re ready to be taken seriously by anyone else?”
Sometimes, it’s necessary to engage one in fruitless battle or temporarily retreat. Not in defeat, but realizing the other person is not ready or willing to work on goals, to feel vulnerable enough to grow and change. Most people understandably stick with what they know. We learn acceptable ways to communicate from what surrounds us in our homes, community, and social norms prominently displayed through pop culture with television, hit songs, and frequently used slang. This is a heavy foundation to turn over.
I realize people use curse words without much or any negative outcome. I’m not excluding myself from this group either. However, the stubborn habit (used in this case to feel in control to cover up vulnerability, uncertainty, and anxiety) will create future complications if exercised restraint is not learned. Unfortunate words often tumble out impulsively and that knee-jerk reaction will mean the difference between getting hired, retaining employment, or making a relationship last one day. I feel cursing is fine, but only when carefully used in proper settings.
Therapeutic goals often focus on strengthening executive functioning in those with developing or impaired frontal lobes. Freud may have recognized this area of the brain as the Superego, though his insistence on the unconscious skews this possibility a bit. The frontal lobe is a brain cortex responsible for many functions, including impulse control and higher thinking. Yet, clinicians still need a willing audience to craft and install a verbal filter in someone. I’m willing to take the time to build one from scratch, but only if met halfway.
I restored my waning patience by recalling ridiculous online lingo and thinking of a related book review I wrote a few months back. I thought about the English language and how society ended up hacking away letters in favor of shortening time needed for communication, a new shorthand system. I tried cursing in my head, then internally smirked at the thought of cursing because someone cursed. I wondered how our society may differ if only we paused before reacting with equally harsh words. I felt frustrated with this task and the individual’s resistance, but not discouraged. All of this happened in the minutes between my question and waiting for a response.
Consistency is key. Waiting for the person to respond is important. Gears turn at different speeds. I let the person think my question over. The best work occurs in moments of silence. They only responded as our time ran out and they turned to leave with an accepting nod, broad smile, and two words:
“Thank you.”
I exhaled and felt encouraged. There is hope for insight. Always.
