the cafeteria was packed today. sat down in the table we used to use. all the time. sat in my seat. put my messenger bag down on his. put my cereal bowl down. didn’t eat. stared at the empty expanse of space where we used to hold hands. where i used to feel insecure at times and was filled up in laughter during others. tried to remember everything, but it was a stream of consciousness, a myriad of images and memories twisting into one distortion after another. tried to just eat because there was class in five. Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah” used to have the power to bring me sobbing into my pillow, while shopping, driving, any time, anywhere it was played. I’m listening to it now. And I feel that same void within me, the same distance of space that etched itself across the nearly bare table today, and i’m trying to let it absorb within me rather than push it out because this emptiness is feeling and feeling is good. never shut out emotions. did it for too long when i was younger. love this album. it’s great. i feel like he’s talking to me through the songs half of the time, and other times i can focus on the beats and play along without flinching. sometimes i analyze the lyrics. sometimes i sing along.
“Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.”
so between supporting myself financially, relationship troubles, roommates moving, job woes, and the recent death of my great-grandma…i’m looking forward to a night out to a play. i want to live in the ontic. i want the distraction. i do not want to think about deeper meanings. i want to drown in the instant gratification of false truth, where everything is filled with sensory stimuli and life is the steady flow of neurons firing, dopamine brain-tingles, where everything is certain and sure. where nothing is left up to the imagination and philosophical thought. not tonight. i want to forget about real existence and go on autopilot for awhile. a mental vacation. everybody needs one every now and then; hell, some people stay in that state for their entire lives. one night of immersing myself won’t kill me. perhaps living in the now and physical is all that life is meant to be (of course, that’s not true, but even the word ‘truth’ has suffered from verbicide to the point of no return).
it amazes me how all of my classes manage to fit into one another like a complete jigsaw puzzle. “homocide and verbicide are equivalent.”
someone asked me recently whether i ever find myself thinking. about myself. about life. about the meaning of it all. i don’t remember exactly how i responded. i like to think that i gave some witty, eloquent response, but i’m pretty sure i stood there in taken aback, shocked silence. i think this person thought he was freaking me out or something. not true. i wanted to scream out for being in that connective moment that is so rare to have with others in conversation. this was a perfect example of true Socratic dialogue. of questioning, extracting, of the only being worth living, the self-examined life. I wanted to yell, “ALL THE FUCKING TIME!” and there’s no way to stop it. you’re part of this now, finally a real presence to yourself. Embrace it. Be who you are. Keep being who you are because there aren’t that many people who will take the time out to get to know themselves. Who will stop to really get to know others. We’re a world of strangers, even to ourselves. I am so excited writing this right now that I am even using capitalized I’s. that’s breaking a cardinal rule on this blog.
the play is only 6 hours away. let it come soon. next vlog – answering your questions and Joyceline’s interview – feel free to keep sending questions in! i’m loving what we have so far and i would gladly repeat the gesture by interviewing someone else. video responses are optional, of course, but encouraged. blog responses are great too.
