Category Archives: Writing/Language

Bullied, but not Victim

A kid gets known as
the class act for
falling
down
with perfection,
gets called clumsy
and classmates sear
that adjective on his soul
like an unforgivable sin.

He does not see
the others with
scarred knees like him.
Understand,
his kind are too
busy staring
at
the
ground,
hoping not to stumble,
too afraid to fail
to notice or worse,
be seen.

Time seems slow,
but passes as it
never forgets to do
and the boy grows
tall in character.
Repeated words
promise less pain
and he begins to
feel a shift in
the balance.

He stops paying
attention to the
sidewalk and stares
ahead for a change.
He’s stunned.

The same knuckleheads
try to crack the same jokes,
but loop around
their rotten smiles
and jovial rib jabs
in tight circles.
It’s dizzying and
he wants none of it,
none of them.
He owns his words,
even if they are
loose with theirs,
and walks on.

This boy reaches where
broken concrete ends
by muscle memory.
He does not look
as the grass softens
beneath each step -
he feels the difference,
a lessened rebound,
somehow lighter.

He does not turn back.

The Appraisal

This poem begins my contributions to NaBloPoMo in April 2012, along with the A-Z Challenge. A is for Appraisal.

Sometimes, I wonder what you think
when your eyes pass over me.

Am I boring you?
Is there a stain on my shirt,
some stubborn wrinkle?

Do I look, sound, or act too
ridiculous, or perhaps
too sure?

Impossible insecurities
leak out my brain,
run down my ears and
coat my throat to form

biting words,

but I choke them into

silence.

I will not trip up
or dress down
to sway your
opinion.

Appraise away!

I remain intact
because I know my worth,
with all strengths and faults,
biases and boundaries.

I know and love.

I know and love me.

Goodbye, Blogger

Image

Blogger, I’m sorry, but we can’t be friends.

I’m refocusing my Internet-based activities in a more direct, content-rich way. Chi Speak is all over the social media scene right now, dangling a bit in Digg‘s vastness with pinches of Pinterest and this set-up won’t work for the long-term. If you don’t believe me, ask my inbox; it gets clogged with password reset reminders all the time. My multiple e-mail accounts get tangled and I really hate signing in and out through another user any time I feel like dropping in for a quick chat.

We’re drifting apart, Blogger. I appreciate your streamlined sensibilities, but that last upgrade you pulled really threw me off. I don’t know you anymore; we don’t talk to each other for weeks, sometimes months at a time now. You dyed yourself orange and got really pale too, like you decided to hide away from the sun all winter. I’m all for design overhauls, but I used to read you easily. It’s not your fault that I spend the majority of my day staring at a computer screen and have weakened vision, but I am loath to mess with my Chrome browser view settings (shortcuts included) all the time in order to talk to you.

You also exclude yourself from our other friends, or your potential friends, rather. Twitter, Tumblr, Flickr, Facebook, Formspring, etc. know how to share and syndicate content across platforms, but your aloofness gets tiresome. Don’t try to bring Google+ into this, please. I like Google+ well enough, but you even hesitate to share there as well, which does not make sense since I’m with you through Chrome all the time. Aren’t you three inextricably linked? My computer software is up-to-date and I clear out the cache regularly.

AdSense has nothing to do with this either, Blogger. True, I never made a dime from advertising with you, but remember, I never was after your money. Our friendship was genuine and to hear you suggest otherwise stings in an insulting, deep way. I am not a gold digger and you know it.

Truly, the final straw was Picasa; you two are together all the time (which is fine, I want you to have friends other than me), but I upload files to write about later and you know what you do? You share it with Picasa. I could not even figure out how to delete an uploaded Google+ profile picture from Picasa easily without consulting Quora. Communicating between the three of us should be easy, but it’s not. Why so secretive? It’s creepy for you to hang on to mementos like that, Blogger.

You deserve a more attentive blogger, someone who will utilize those gadgets with passion and purpose. Someone who will forgive your quirks. I can’t give you that anymore. Things between me and WordPress are getting serious, and I really need to let go before you get the wrong idea.

Don’t worry, the old posts will get transferred out soon, Blogger. I’ll see you around.

Writer, Use Your Chisel

I believe writing is a craft one acquires progressively. You must challenge yourself, read every bit and scrap fluttering in your line of vision and seek out words when none pass,  take risks, outline though it might feel like your soul is screaming against the practice, refine your drafts, use spell check without trusting the results, get your masterpiece in the making critiqued and edit others’ work in kind, engage in life fully even when it wears you out, write when you do not want to, observe everything and everyone around you, and take a breath every once in a while to think.

courtesy: wikia.com

I believe it’s important to recognize and “find” your personal writing style. I am accomplishing this by making mistakes and learning from them in a conscious, persistent effort to grow, but you can (and will) develop a customized path. Moreover, this writing style can change, so loosen up your habitual rigidity and stay flexible. Regardless of what you may hear, there is no “right way” or correct end goal; you decide that for yourself, but you need to keep an open mind along the way, pick up the guidelines, high-five the masters before you, and keep at it to reinvigorate the game.

Words are powerful, sure, but you need to learn how to wield them with careful weight and effectiveness or else they will flail weakly on the ground. You are not alone in this painful lesson. Many struggle like you, including me.

Gather your courage and chisel away at the rough marble slabs before you. Your hand will hesitate in making the first few chips, but your true creation (the one it deserves to be) will show itself soon. Now, get swinging. No more excuses. No more delays. You already deprived yourself long enough, and who are you to make yourself wait?

Jumping City Puddles on Leap Year Day

Rain fell over the city gradually, a fine misting that became heavier as the minutes passed. The wind picked up and swept over a well-known avenue: Broadway. It pushed insistently on tourists’ backs and elbowed commuters in the face, howling as a school of umbrellas tried to navigate its way helplessly across the busy streets. Nylon material turned inside out here and there, the metal frames glistening like light gleaming off shimmering trout pulled from the water.

Small rivers, dark and polluted ran along the curbs, dragging reluctant garbage: gutted cigar innards, a crushed soda can, innumerable lost receipts, and tattered debris down deep into the sewer system. Steam rose from the vented subway grates and manholes, mingling with the chilled exhalations of the shivering crowds.

Rain fell over the city, trapping grit, car exhaust fumes, contagious microbes, and deadlier things that murmur to vulnerable masses in dark, recurring dreams. The rain fell with purpose, pulling it all into the waiting, gaping pipe-lined belly below.

I paused for less than a moment, coughed out my urban despair in desperation, and felt gratitude, unexpected relief.

Germy Love

Give me sallow skin
and shallow breaths.
Give me clammy hands
and a fevered head.

Let me take on
his ills and aches,
while we rest
in shifts.

We heal faster
than single blankets
and emptied tea mugs
ever fix alone.

Schooling Padawan N00Bs

Sister: What is a skyrim? lol
Me: “What is a skyrim?” hahahaha
Sister: not funny! what is that?
Me: I have so much to teach you, padawan
Sister: lol!

Unintended Hiatus

The proverbial red apple symbolizes temptation, acting against the expected, acceptable, or permissible.

Gosh darn it, shucks, I only yammered on about writing more often all last month and back into 2011I hid away to devote extra time to the start of the Spring semester at work, filed my taxes, got some teeth extracted, spent a few days drugged out on a prescribed narcotic and a few more withdrawing from said drug, and didn’t blog for almost two weeks.  Blogging is my red apple.

What a delicious red apple it is too, if I could only bite into it without wincing (the perfectly ripened and neglected apples in my refrigerator, not this site)!

I’m not creative enough to segue into football and close this post at the same time. Go Giants!

One Little Pill

Read my latest post about growing up with SNES on girlhack.com

Unevenly laid bricks covered the ground, but we spread out our sleeping bags anyway. The sun hung low on the horizon and darkness crept slowly across the sky. Uncomfortable, I rested on my back, staring into the canopy of several overhanging pine trees. Shadows moved.

“What are those?!” my friend whispered frantically, pointing at the shapes. We turned flashlights hesitantly on the forms and gasped.

Fruit bats filled the trees and stared down at us inquisitively. They covered every branch. There were at least two hundred of them.

“Our camp-out is over,” I whispered back fiercely, “Crawl slowly toward the door, but do not stand up and startle them.” She did. I followed. We slipped inside quickly, shutting the screen door behind us and watching outside. 

“Now our sleeping bags will get covered in guano!” she protested, hand poised near the door knob, but I slapped it away. 

“Too bad.”

Larger creatures appeared from behind the garage. We stopped bickering and watched. Two large wolves and a panda paced around the backyard. Two large wolves. And a panda.

“Let’s adopt a pet,” my mother and father stated at the same time before I could protest against the confusing scene. They pushed us aside in their haste and opened the door.

One of the wolves forced his way inside the door frame, his hulking size nearly pushing the hinges loose. Someone reached out and grabbed him around the scruff of his neck, but he shook his head free and padded his way through the hall. He stopped and pivoted back toward us, growling.

I cursed.

“You always wanted a dog,” someone cooed, walking toward the wolf with a smile on their face.

“That is not a domesticated dog! That is a wolf! We need to call animal control and move somewhere safe,” I hissed back, angrily.

The wolf narrowed its eyes and displayed his teeth, the fur bristling along his back. I did not blame him. I could not believe this was happening.

His eyes morphed into a comical drawing, roughly drawn and black scribbles for eyebrows. Then, he charged. The wolf chased us into a stairwell, where he ran behind us, canines clipping near our necks and flailing limbs. He was too fast. We were too clumsy.

Wolf attacks are nearly nonexistent, but this is not an average situation, I thought. I like wolves, too. This sucks.

“No, Ma!” I yelled.

“Rachel, I am not your mother. Wake up!” my boyfriend said, shaking me slightly.

“No, wolves are not pets!” I continued, raising my voice in desperation.

“Rachel, wake up,” he persisted, laughing.

I sat up in bed and looked around.

“I heard you thrashing around in here. You fell asleep,” he explained.

Once the disorientation passed, I vowed, “I am never taking Benadryl again.”

A Story behind the Stamps

She stands a little over five feet tall, but her personality makes her seem like a giant. The 80-year-old walks swiftly if slightly bent to the mahogany bookcase. Her fingers rifle through several hardcovers, pulling out slips of paper as she searches. She stops after several moments and smiles at her grandson, handing them over. His curious gaze softens as he examines the yellowed stamp sheets.

“Will these be enough?” she asks him, smoothing her long pleated skirt absently with her empty hands.

“Yes, I believe so, Gram,” he replies, counting the cents diligently, “but don’t you want to save these? They could be worth something.”

“They probably are, dear,” she smiles, “however I have no use for them and I do not wish to sell them to someone who would keep them imprisoned in another book for fifty more years. These deserve to get mailed, see the world a bit, and carry out their original purpose.”

“As you wish, Gram,” her grown grandson replies, his forehead creased in unspoken disapproval.

“Your grandpa would have wished it so,” she says softly, running her hand on his face in appeal.

“Yes, he would have wanted me to do whatever makes you happy,” he laughs, looking at her with adoration, “he knew better than to not listen to you, at any rate.”

“That’s my boy!” she cheers, grasping his hands with hers, “and you are welcome to keep any left over for whatever investment schemes you are mulling over in that brilliant brain.”

She moves toward a scratched oak desk, opens its top drawer, and retrieves the vintage bauble someone bought from her grandson’s eBay listing. He takes the delicate thimble and explains, “I am an old woman with many things, and I wish to share my treasures with those who will appreciate them – not store them away for the sake of my memory, dear. Thank you so much for helping me.”

He nods in silence, unable to say anything without betraying emotion in his voice and wraps the small purchase in bubble wrap, slipping it into a mailer. His grandmother and he take turns placing the stamps on the envelope. They talk and smile at one another; it becomes a treasured moment between them.

“Where is this package going, anyway?” she questions as he buttons his coat and prepares to leave, sealed envelope in hand.

“New York City,” he states, “The buyer was eager and requested expedited shipping.”

“The city that never sleeps,” she muses, a dreamy smile easing over her face, “Your grandfather and I went to New York once, before your mother was born. It was a busy, dirty place, but we had such a good time.”

“Yes, I would like to visit New York someday. We plan on settling down here in California, but I promised Leanne we would go see the Statue of Liberty.”

“You must take her there soon, then,” his grandmother advised as they hugged goodbye, “It’s best not to keep your bride waiting on those types of promises.”

There is a back story to this envelope, and this could be one of them. More possibilities to come.