Tag Archives: childhood

Melt my Easter Rabbit

My family attended church every Easter, then ate lunch together with extended relatives. Sometimes, we went bowling and regrouped back at my grandparents’ for dinner. Traditions changed along the way, but there was always an Easter egg hunt thrown in the schedule somewhere. The grand prize were Easter baskets, but we had to find them first.

At seven years old or so, I was methodical in opening any gift I ever received, so special care went into unwrapping my Easter basket that year. The treats – sticky fruit roll-ups I handed off to my sister, colorful plastic eggs filled with jelly beans, chocolate bars, and a Mike & Ike’s box – beckoned me to tear through cellophane walls and tangled ribbon, but I patiently unraveled each bit. There was always a hollow chocolate rabbit boxed inside. My mom seemed to almost hover when I pulled out the box, because she did not want us to eat an entire one each. Instead, she melted down the bunnies for chocolate pops and dipped them in strawberries for everyone’s dessert.

melted rabbits

This photograph is from last year, during a surprisingly warm week after Easter.

“Which part do you want to eat before the rest goes in?” she asked, heating up a saucepan and stirring some liquefied chocolate bars.

My younger sister, barely out of her toddler years, watched with excitement in her eyes and nibbled on her rabbit’s ears. The chocolate torso smeared all over her little hand as she handed the rest over. My mother dropped the body in and I looked away, feeling horrified. Still, I eyed the strawberries sitting on a plate beside the stove, then looked back at my whole rabbit, safely contained in its cardboard packaging. Its comical eyes were blue and large. Pleading. The strawberries were an appealing red though, large and ripe.

I hesitated.

“We don’t have to if you want to keep it for a bit longer, but then your strawberries will be plain,” my mother responded, hand slowing.

“No, it’s okay. Just…save me the ears,” I relented, watching my sister eat hers with obvious glee.

Finding Serenity in Snow

Rough, rectangular bricks made an uneven pattern in the small enclosure, edges sticking up and others cracked in half, but the groundwork lay beneath the powdery cold, partly covered. The blanket rested undisturbed, pristine and layered. Rarely anyone or anything ventured into this abandoned space. The children grew up and left, returning sporadically, but still ignoring the basketball net replaced several years back to entice its use.

The chain link fence bowed in areas from remaining upright for so long, bullied by the heavy, insistent snow. Deep gouges edged into a tree trunk like chapped lips, a lost limb appearing cauterised from its side. Young girls swung hula hoops around the branch in earlier years, and a brass bird-cage before they were born. The garage door also reflected age and wear, cracked in places once painted annually in shady spring afternoons.

The woman walked on the brick, boots sinking into the ice and frost. She paused and looked, really saw. She breathed in the memories slowly, closing her eyes, then opening them to attune herself to the moment and empty her mind.

She considered her hesitation in visiting this sacred space at first, afraid to notice any oddities or differences from the carefree days of her childhood. Yet, she did not dare to walk over the forward steps and continued despite her fears.

Nothing stirred except the winds blowing through the frozen pine needles; a torn rag somehow caught in the tree branches above and waved at her to move ahead. Her methodical procession led her to circle the yard with care. She thought about Lao Tsu and wondered if she was a closet Taoist; the internal chatter ceased and she felt purified, whole, and at one with her surroundings. She felt the air alive with God and hope, pushing away the darkness from the past few months.

There were strange things present; things she did not understand or want to know. Some changes amused her.

Other alterations suggested loneliness, death, and lost companionship. She remembered hearing her grandmother’s laughter, the squeaking line of laundry hung to dry in the summer heat and playing in a turtle shaped sandbox. She felt warm, despite the outward chill and knew to leave when her cheeks hurt from the cold and happiness.

She saw herself as a six-year-old, picking fennel from the garden, washing the bitter leaves with a hose and eating it to appease her proud grandfather. She recounted good memories- hopscotch games with friends, feeding her dog saltine crackers so he would lick her face and make her laugh, and building an island for a Lord of the Flies project as a middle schooler.

I will return after  the winter gives way to weeds and wildflowers, she vowed, turning back down the alleyway, but only after buying a basketball.

savoring the silence

When I was younger, I sought out quiet places – the top bunk, wedging myself in the corner, where most sounds were absorbed by the surrounding walls, the space beneath the looming pine tree in the backyard, those secret crevices within clothing racks, and our front steps, sitting on uncomfortable folding chairs with my Nonna, the peace only broken up by the occasional car or cricket symphony.

When I grew older, it became more difficult to make the time, to fit in the same nooks, to escape the noises that began to override the calm – the calamity also became louder within; shouts of insecurities and teenage woes licked at my brain stem. And whole nights, hours upon hours, were dedicated to pursuing sound – joyous, raucous bass drums and cymbals and snare cracks, and rock concerts, and groupthink chatter, laughter, until my voice was only one of many, and indistinguishable among the crowd.

When I left my hometown, the infestation was complete. The city streets know only volume and bright lights and human activity (even deaths have their songs in screeching brakes a moment too late and trailing siren wails). It was pervasive and intolerable. I wept openly, bitterly, regretting my choices and the relentless vibrations from passing vehicles – Planes, Trains, & Automobiles. The raw sounds of others’ passions and insistent car alarms echo through the busy streets, through the open, removable window screens, so many stories up, whether I’m awake or asleep.

But, I’ve learned to embrace the dichotomy; silence can be encouraged within, and the mind can filter out the havoc. Without these sounds, one could not enjoy the reprieve without, other than the inhalation and exhalation of natural breaths, pulsing heartbeats, the subtlety of eyelashes meeting skin with each blink. And I couldn’t enjoy and be thankful for these ears that allow me to hear and appreciate this joyful cacophony, these rhythmic and syncopated beats.

a week of vacation

= too much time for remembrances and contemplation.
And as self-sufficient and accomplished as I’ve become,

it still hurts that I was indirectly kicked out of my childhood home.

The lectures and the lessons are correct, in stating that a child never forgets the feeling of abandonment or rejection. From what I’ve heard and seen, we all carry hopes and dreams, and staunch testaments that scream, “No! When I raise children, I vow to never ________ like my parent(s) did to me.”

The Gaslight Anthem released a new album today and one of their tracks, The Diamond Church Street Choir, helped to ignite these feelings:

They’ll find me beat down out in the universe
Though I’ll never forget where I’m from
I might have moved away from home
And slept out there on my own
A million miles away in the stone
But the beat never leaves
And the temple’s a relief
To my aching bones, rambling all over
And if I’m gone for too long
I can always hum along