Chi Speak

love, companionship, and consciousness

August 28, 2010 by Chi

It seems an almost childish thing to mourn, but my beloved anole, Harriet, died this week. She brought a lot of happiness to our small household. She was a wonderful wife, soon-to-be mother, and cherished family member. An earlier post below already focused on how she brightened our lives, but also that of her mate, Carl. It isn’t uncommon for female anoles to die during the breeding season – they lay eggs too quickly for their bodies to replenish nutrients, especially calcium. Vitamin drops, dusts, and other concoctions seem sporadically effective (I’ve perused various reptile owner forum threads), while at least one Dartmouth-based research study focused on the morbidity rate of wild anoles.

Is it possible for animals to love one another? Sure, anoles are social creatures (as are many other species), but do they remember those deceased from their familial groups? Some animals mate for life, but is this indicative of a complex relationship structure akin to humanity with emotional bonds? Carl is a slightly grumpy, unmotivated lizard. Yet, he was always attentive to Harriet. When she was dying, he watched her carefully. When she stopped moving much, he turned dark brown – was this coincidental? When she passed, he looked for her in the usual spots where she slept and climbed, to no avail. It was a sad, depressing sight.

Harriet, hunting.

Yet, my observations come from a biased, firmly human perspective. I could very well force my interpretation of the situation on Carl’s behavior. Does he remember Harriet? Does he miss her specifically, or companionship? He may not. Female anoles are sacrificial, noble beings. Harriet had a lot of personality for such a small body, and conditions were enough to induce her to lay eggs, despite the inherent risk of death. Allegedly, female anoles can choose whether to let their eggs fertilize. Although sexually mature, she could have continued to live her life with Carl without reproducing. Some readers might point this as fact of the female condition, knowing that one’s life may be given for the sake of creating another; it’s also easy to argue that coupled pairs of animals are naturally driven to reproduce.

Either case is reflective of Harriet’s giving nature. She provided Carl with a firm social structure. She dominated him in a motivating way (since he ignores the most basic of survival instincts, like hunting). Descartes once stated, “I think, therefore I am.” All one can trust is that one exists – everything else could be an elaborate illusion. Yet, when given examples like the bond between a mere pair of lizards, one also realizes that there is a greater meaning to life incomprehensible to human consciousness and our supremacy over life on Earth, beyond understanding or scientific study. I believe that Harriet was conscious, and that Carl cared for her well-being as she did his; whether these beliefs are true or misguided does not really matter. Harriet’s eggs may hatch within the next several weeks. Hopefully, her progeny will survive.

Posted in Bad Days, The Meaning of it All | Leave a Comment »

career and identity

August 18, 2010 by Chi

What do you do for a living?

It’s a common question, but deceiving all the same. People do a lot of things, may carry several job titles at once or over the course of a lifetime, but this question carries a bit of judgment with it – there are conclusions from how someone responds, certain societal definitions of self-worth that mingle in with one’s reaction to an answer. In short, there exists a concern of being pigeonholed, categorized, boxed in a label simply based on one’s current profession. It’s somewhat ridiculous.

Recent graduates are encountering this question nearly weekly, daily. It is a constant rumination for some, while others who found employment may struggle with climbing the ladder; they strive toward using their degree or vocational education to its fullest. Starting an entry-level job can emit feelings of gratefulness (especially in this economic downturn), but sometimes, it doesn’t calm the feeling of defeat churning in one’s gut. Still, some peers have achieved this goal (or threw out the instruction manual to the major-laden expectations of pursuing a certain field), and have followed their interests, carving out a career path that has nothing to do with their educational background.

Whatever a person does, others usually want to know. People want to know if someone feels satisfied in their field – content, yearnful, disappointed. People look at benefits, salary vs. hourly wage, lifestyle fit, and personality vs. employer match. One of my relatives is considering a job offer at this moment. She is still a college student, but offered a relatively lucrative part-time position; it would not only offer the largest hourly rate that she has been given so far, but excellent experience and networking opportunities. In taking that offer, she would scale back on her enrollment for the semester and leave another part-time job with a great, considerate boss. There are more factors that go into play when considering job contentment – sometimes, the pay cut is worth the payoffs, but I have a feeling that philosophy is somewhat more rare to find than simply performing a job to make ends meet, to support oneself or one’s family, and if possible, to pay for some leisure and luxury on the side too.

Am I known for more than my title – for my passion, integrity, and decency as a human being, maybe even my (usually corny) sense of humor? When I tend to jump in the water, I dive right in, submerging myself in its depths. I feel like I am allowing myself to drown at times – I give too much, realize a few seconds too late that I put too much into my tasks, take things seriously, and believe in my employment’s mission – I am an advocate for change, for utilizing company time to its utmost potential, and to strive further. Although I am not necessarily seeing this current situation as being an end-all or stepping stone for greener pastures, I would like to use my graduate degree more relevantly, whatever that means. I did not study human behavior for the paycheck, and I surely get personal satisfaction out of what I do now. There is enough fight and energy pumping to settle yet – this is only the beginning of my earning years, of my adventure.

Plus, there comes a bit of freedom in not having a business card – I am still young in my current field, any field. It’s time to push aside any feelings of doubt or insecurity and enjoy the river. The current is smooth enough with mild, manageable rapids for an amateur, and I have to stop exerting so much energy into analyzing the gentle curves of the riverbed. There are only two nagging, metaphorical fears – 1) The river will drop off into an irresponsibly foreseeable waterfall at the last moment that will have me scrambling for dry land or 2) The river will empty out into a vast ocean that will leave me begging for shore. The river can only last so long and I am unsure of where I am on the map at the moment.

So, what do you do for a living?

Posted in Future Aspirations, Introspection | Leave a Comment »

My Dad’s Playlist

August 6, 2010 by Chi

My dad has always been a fan of music. Although he owned a record player and stereo set (that has since been proudly given to me), I was raised with infamous hits like “Superfreak,” “Walk like a Dinosaur,” and “Da Da Da.” We managed to bond, however, over his tolerance for ELO. It’s a personal joy when I discover him humming or singing, and though he is an unassuming, quiet character, he certainly likes smooth rhythms and beats. Knowing all of this about my father, I bought him headphones and an Amazon.com mp3 gift card for Father’s Day.

Here is what he bought as a result:

B.O.B. – Nothin’ on You
The Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feeling
Simple Pleasures – Don’t Worry, Be Happy
Bon Jovi – Living on a Prayer
M.C. Hammer – Can’t Touch This
Jay-Z – Empire State of Mind
Joan Jett & The Blackhearts – I Love Rock & Roll
Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’
Katy Perry – California Gurls
Rod Stewart – Forever Young
Timbaland feat. Justin Timberlake – Carry Out
Usher – OMG
War – Low Rider

I can’t stop giggling.

Posted in Family | 3 Comments »

Before I Die

August 6, 2010 by Chi

Kind of a morbid title for a blog post, but a friend and I discussed The Bucket List recently. I liked her view, in that the contents of such a list really seems like one’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations – not necessarily what he or she would actually do if given a fatal diagnosis with limited time left to live. Everything pulled in very sharply and became focused, when I was critically ill years ago. In that sense, her point held true for me – I wanted more time to see people I love, and all thoughts of what I wished I had done seemed almost a moot point. It was not something I regretted or even considered. I know that rough patch is something I occasionally mention on here; I have passed that time in my life. Some people may think that I tend to dwell on it too much, but really, I revisit those scary months because it reasserts how grateful I feel for being alive in the present, it spurs on motivation for my tomorrows. When you reach the end of the line and are given more rope, your life perspective changes, alters irrevocably.

So, while I won’t give you a bucket list, here are a few things I hope to do before my days of consciousness are over:

Write a book that gets published
Visit Alaska and view the Northern Lights
Visit Italy, preferably Florence and Venice
Take a cross-country road trip
Own a Ludwig drumset with top-notch Paiste cymbals
Own a Mazda
Have a pet dog
Try to ski or snowboard
Change someone’s life for the better
Help as many students as possible in getting accepted into college
Take life less seriously; be more upbeat and positive
Learn how to walk in heels
Learn how to rollerblade without breaking or spraining anything
Learn how to ice skate
Partake in bonfire nights often
Go to music concerts and rock out
Listen to classical music until the beauty of human creativity brings me to joyful tears
Reconcile with my mother
Get a tattoo with my sister
Own a digital SLR and take thousands of photographs
Accept and love myself
Visit Yellowstone National Park

What do you want to do? How are you taking action to crossing off some items on your list?

Posted in Future Aspirations, The Meaning of it All | 1 Comment »

A Lizard Love Story

August 1, 2010 by Chi

the egg is under the withered lavender plant, originally uploaded by chispeak.

Carl was a lazy lizard, a sad, miserably lonely lizard. He had a relatively large tank for himself with an abundance of sticks and crickets, but Carl refused to move. He refused to even hunt. He remained stubborn, gradually getting skinny enough until he was essentially hand-fed fatty caterpillars to keep up his weight.

This routine was exhausting and yes, pathetic. Research of the vast Internetz revealed that anole lizards are social creatures. So, Harriet was introduced to the tank. At first, Carl thought Harriet was a competing male, and rather than fight for his territory, he turned brown. About five seconds later, he turned bright green and attempted to assert and (ahem – insert) himself. Harriet would have none of it and has remained dominant ever since. She takes the highest perches. She climbs all over him. She initiates reproduction.

Yet, Harriet has served as a muse for Carl, an elegant role model. He learned how to appropriately court a female, how to hunt (and appear dashing while doing it). He even learned how to copulate upside down (but we’ll keep it PG-13 for the younger readers) to satisfy his female.

It really was inevitable, but Carl and Harriet are on their way to becoming (indifferent) parents. There was a second egg buried a bit behind the one in this photograph. Both have been removed for their protection from viciously eager crickets, but it’ll be several weeks before we know if they’ll hatch. Updates to follow.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

delicious dough

July 23, 2010 by Chi

The woman in line behind me muttered pointedly, direct and somewhat sharp, “Excuse me, but are you going to order separately from your friend?”

One of the representatives blinked at me silently as I rattled off my order without pause, “Sorry, please give me a garlic pretzel with sweet mustard dip, an original pretzel with cheese dip, one bottle of water, and a pretzel kit.”

The cashier’s eyes grew wide, as though I said, “Give me your entire stock, add any leftover ingredients, charge my credit card, and give some help to carry the lot to our awaiting automobile.”

Still dumbfounded, he asked, “What did you have again?”

I repeated myself (and I hate repeating myself – something borne from many repetitions throughout life by speaking softly, often too quietly for others to hear or comprehend without a second listen). I passed him the credit card. I gathered up the items clumsily.

“Would you like a bag?” the cashier mumbled, his eyes trained on the increasing line behind us.

“No, that’s all right,” I responded, holding my order in a small bundle.

My friend and I walked outside. The rain fell lightly. We talked about rude people and manners and ultimately, the pointlessness of even feeling annoyed; our shopping trip contained several interactions with others that left some manners desired.

“My degree pretty much burned empathy and patience into me,” I grunted as two egocentric customers cut us in line and argued the legitimacy of their action.

“Well, my career requires patience too, but forget it – I don’t have time for this nonsense and those people aren’t your clients,” she replied, glaring at their backs as they approached the cash register.

One has to learn the dividing line between being walked on and choosing actively to not pursue a meaningless battle.

A customer behind us protested to her husband, “They are unbelievable! That’s not fair!”

Well, lesson of the day – sometimes, people are irrational or selfish, or downright ignorant. Sometimes, you will not approve of others’ choices, but you always have the power to control your reaction; permitting yourself to get overly emotional or irate over minor events only serves to give power to the wrongful party, anyway.

I would rather ignore the little speed bumps in life, put on the brakes before I ever enabled myself to lose control. Why should I be upset? I have Auntie Anne’s pretzels to make this weekend.

Posted in Practical Advice | Leave a Comment »

the lesson learned in the past few days

July 16, 2010 by Chi

We’re all a bit unsure, battling and aligning ourselves with social expectations of where we should be at this moment in our lives. You’re headed in the “right” direction as long as you establish a goal to better your tomorrow, and actively work to achieve it. You lose the fight when you are too apathetic or downtrodden to try.

Posted in Good Days, Introspection | Leave a Comment »

Gluttony and Pop Culture

July 3, 2010 by Chi

Lately, I have been simultaneously enthralled and disgusted by Man vs. Food with Adam Richman. In particular, it has led me to question why I subscribed to cable television recently. Until two weeks ago, it was steadfastly easy to ignore the distracting buzz of reality tv shows, rabid advertising, and what I perceived to be a degradation of American innovation and purpose. Now, don’t get me wrong, the show is entertaining. Yet, it feeds into the gluttonous image of our society, showcasing the most outrageous food eating contests in the nation, and providing insight into the gross portions presented to restaurant patrons in a bid to gain popularity and novel fame.

Man vs. Food features the idea of an average man (albeit one who has a graduate degree in drama from a top-notch institution of higher learning aka Yale) who displays his gourmand passions through tackling eating competitions in nationwide eateries and food establishments. Unlike competitive eating, Adam is not sized against the appetites of fellow competitors with a habit to consume a large amount, and down it fast; he competes solely against the clock and rules of the restaurant he visits. So, while one can admire the man’s ability to put away food, and salivate over some of the spreads (while slightly gagging from the thought of eating that much), one also has to question what makes the public so interested, anyway. As a country, we have poor eating habits and even worse body images (see: The Biggest Loser and note the double meaning of that title – the one who can lose the most weight, but also one who is perceived by others as being a loser, worthless of our respect based on their body mass and BMI). Our obsession with being thin and beautiful leads us down paths of eating disorders, temporary diets, depression, bariatric surgery, and a variety of ailments, psychological and physical, in between. There are some who can settle into a routine, a healthy eating mindset and exercise regimen, but there is an equal population, if not greater, who want fast results with as little work as possible – immediate gratification.

Mankind has long been plagued by the concept of gluttony. One of the seven deadly sins, being gluttonous was not necessarily viewed as being bad for the body, but was primarily harmful for one’s soul. For instance, Ruben painted voluptuous women and having a plump figure was taken to be healthy in a multitude of cultures, ensuring survival during famine and food shortages. Dante spoke of gluttons in his Inferno, placing them in the Sixth Canto. In this circle, Dante writes of gluttons being mercilessly rained upon, while Cerberus, a monster, grabs of the earth, throwing handfuls down their ravenous mouths. In life, these sinners partook of food in excess, and in death, they suffer from being eternally fed dirt, rocks, etc. and in miserable conditions. It is incredible that there are still millions, if not billions, of people starving while developed countries, lands of plenty, struggle with their citizens eating too much. It is, perhaps, even more incredible to think that such countries, where the government may pay subsidies to farmers to halt crop planting and harvesting, still have those within their physical boundaries who go without.

Still, we are fascinated by food – our instincts drive us to obsess with it, really. We devote many hours to the purchasing, preparation of, and consumption of food. We watch many hours of cooking shows, swapping recipes, and gathering for events with the assumption that feasting and satisfaction with life walk together. I hope that Man vs. Food continues on – it certainly holds entertainment value for me, but I hope that the Travel Channel recognizes its responsibility then to also promote proper eating habits in its viewers. Many websites mention that Adam Richman exercises and limits his food intake off-camera, yet no attention is given to the balance that he practices in his daily life to host a show founded on gluttony. In this century, it is almost criminal to not address the issue.

Regardless, enjoy your barbecues during this July 4th weekend. Be safe and merry, but pause and consult your stomach before eating that extra hot dog or burger with all the fixings.

Posted in Culture, Health | Leave a Comment »

flooded in a public place

June 29, 2010 by Chi

The bookstore was full of patrons who drank coffee, and gingerly touched the spines of newly printed novels and hardcovers. Some customers dug through clearance shelves, while others debated by the magazine section or cross-referenced textbooks in the study aid sections. A few let the sample beats take them over by the music, and little children dashed everywhere, tugging on parents’ sleeves, holding a brightly colored picture book or gathering their summer reading books diligently.

I was in the psychology section, looking through cognitive-behavioral interventions for anxiety disorders, coincidentally, when a young woman’s scream rang out, “Help me! HELP ME! HELP ME!!!” People turned toward the sound with various expressions of alarm, concern, and wariness. There was a young teenage girl halted on an immobile escalator. Her hands gripped the sides tightly, her feet set slightly apart, and she stared down in terror with tears streaming down her face. An older woman, possibly her mother, displayed an expression of mixed anger and mortification. She yelled at her to stop and continue going up. Her daughter did not budge, but her fear increased. She screamed louder. Her mother slapped her. The onlookers stared silently, although a few non-empathetic souls snickered and mocked the poor girl.

full credit given to the linked blog for this image.

It was over in less than two minutes, really (the manager helped diffuse the scene), but for a person experiencing a panic attack, the time seems to stretch on and elongate itself. A couple of others who stood in the aisle with me turned toward each other in disbelief, mouthing, “What just happened?” One looked at me curiously, for some reason, but I replied, “She had a panic attack. The experience of being on an escalator probably terrified her anyway if she has a specific phobia, but being on one that was stopped probably heightened her sensitivity; she was overstimulated and became overwhelmed. In therapeutic methods, there is something called flooding, which she, in essence, did to herself and was not ready to undergo. It’s the behavioral idea that exposing someone all at once to their fear will help desensitize them to it, but if it is not done incrementally by a professional, a person can be worse off as a result. She could have also been triggered by initial warning signs, like dizziness, if she was staring down at the lines of the escalator as she walked up, causing disorientation, but that’s only a guess.”

The two friends looked at each other. “Wow, dude – that was intense,” one said. The other nodded in agreement, returned a nod to me, and they both left. She most certainly met DSM-IV criteria for a panic attack. However, I was unable to assess for certain needed criteria before being able to confidently say it was a specific phobia, such as her awareness that her fear was unreasonable and the length of time that her fear of escalators has been endured (duration). Otherwise, if she confirmed a fear of escalators one could consider her as being escalaphobic (thank you, Google).

What are your phobias? I can empathize with this girl because I used to have a fear of escalators as well, but only when they were in working order. The fear was primarily when I used any that were going down. I always had this self-induced rush where I believed I would fall the length of the escalator. Luckily, my parents handled this phobia of mine effectively. They gave me a moment to process being in front of it, then would grab my hand and say, “Ready? On the count of three – one, two…” and we would use the escalator together. Over time, I was able to see that I would not fall, and that I could carefully control the situation, determining when I was ready.

The girl’s condition worsened when her mother slapped her – it not only embarrassed her and possibly caused mild physical pain, but being rejected and humiliated did not “snap her out of it.” On the contrary, it served to implicitly show the girl that her mother was not supportive, that she could not count on her in moments of duress, albeit irrational. A person cannot overcome a fear this way and expect their mother-daughter relationship to not be negatively affected by such a reaction.

Please, be gentle and patient if you see someone undergoing a panic attack. Let them know that you are there, that you realize it is frightening – do not judge, demean, or abuse them. Also take note that their panic is fueled by an awareness of the situation, and amazingly enough by paying too much attention to their physiological responses – they are attuned to their racing heart and erratic breathing, which further compounds the panic attack. It is a cycle. They are not immune to feeling shame or self-deprecation over it. Relaxation methods can work, even on a short solution-focused basis whereby one should encourage the person to take a deep breath several times, provide them with a little reassurance, and help them slowly remove him or herself from whatever has upset them. Similar symptoms or medical conditions, like a heart attack, should be ruled out before anyone is merely though to be undergoing a panic attack as well.

Asian is Alluring

June 21, 2010 by Chi

There are many stereotypes involving Asian culture. Every race and ethnic background has its stigmas and hurdles to overcome, whether they are founded in truth or merely fabricated out of unfortunate, enduring yarn. We all bear the burden of others’ perceptions, but it is a true tragedy when an individual commits mental harm upon him or herself. Similar to the ‘Black is Beautiful’ movement, I believe an ‘Asian is Alluring’ grassroots scene is needed to effectively help Asian girls combat the negative images and mixed messages of what it means to be considered beautiful.

I developed an integrated sense of acculturation, having grown up in an accepting, open-minded area within America. It is difficult for me to imagine someone being ashamed of their heritage. Now, do not take this little rant as ignorant bellowing – there are plenty of faults within cultural groups as well, like some traditional customs that some might tout as cruel or outdated. However, I believe that every custom is rooted in some sort of historical context and that differences do not automatically equate to absurdity; while a value system or practice may seem outlandish for one group, it may make justifiable sense in another.

All of this explanation being stated, it emotionally pained me to see this Father’s Day postcard on PostSecre t:

I do not know the cause(s) of this person’s hatred – perhaps they do not have a positive relationship with their father, maybe they feel insecure about their physical appearance for whatever reason, and pinpoint a flaw back to some Asian genetic code, or maybe some outside source, like a judgmental individual, has made them feel badly about their culture in some way or another.

Whatever their reason may be, the sadness of my reaction is based upon the empathy I feel for this individual. It is upsetting that he or she is feeling some level of pain or discomfort to the point of taking it out on their father’s heritage, and by default, their own. It is not my call to determine one’s means of racial self-identification, however, my father is an excellent dad who strives to expose me to the intricacies and beauty of Chinese culture. I was lucky in this way.

He helped me to feel beautiful and comfortable in my biracial skin. There have been reports and articles on Asian women who undergo cosmetic surgery to change and widen the shape of their eyes. This is not true of all Asian women – I, for one, love my ‘almond’ shape, slanted even, though this term bears a more negative connotation. I hope that this person will be able to find the strength and confidence to feel the same one day, hopefully in the near future. I wish this individual to find peace in his or her relationship with their Asian father.

There is a social misconception that Asian men do not favor or desire daughters. Sure, there is a patriarchal tendency, where sons are honored. This tendency has been reinforced by thousands of years in a society that depended upon males to not only carry on the family lineage, but to work. Concubines were not acquired to express hedonistic and sexual prowess, but to demonstrate one’s ability to provide for such a large number of lovers and wives (and their children), and by extension, a show of one’s social status, wealth, and power. People are outraged by the history of feet-binding, which I would never want to have had performed on me, yet many fail to recognize this trend as an external symbol of aristocracy. Women who had their feet bound were not exactly the working class type of females.

In modern day China, the number of children one is able to bear and raise is regulated and the horrific statistics about female infanticide and gender selective abortion clearly documents a future problem of gender imbalance. However, I am not growing up in China. I am American, and my family, on both sides, have assimilated quite readily and eagerly. As a result, I cannot speak for the females in China. I know little about their struggles, but I have witnessed many Chinese-born females who have been able to acquire higher education degrees abroad in the U.S.

Have I grown up with the sense that my first-cousin, the only male bearing my grandfather’s last name, was favored? Not really. He participates in a few rituals, namely surname clan reunions where many females have since been included, but nothing extensive that would exclude me if I truly wanted to take part and get involved. Actually, the males in my father’s family are very present in my life, and supportive. I remember being encouraged to pursue education, a career, a family – whatever made me happy, but self-sufficient. There are no expectations for me to kowtow to any man for the sake of recognizing his penis as a physiological appendage that I happen to lack. I was always given affection, even when having my familial expectations subtly ingrained – I am a strong observer of filial piety overall and do not view an Eastern perspective as a hindrance or weighing affliction.

In short, I love for my dad for making me half Asian.

Posted in Culture, Family | 1 Comment »

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